Facing it

Out of all the times I have been stung by a bee (4), it was never because I did something to make it mad or because I even knew it was near me and was swinging my arms trying to get it away from me. I was minding my own business when...bam!, there it was.

People talk about how as they get older, some allergies tend to die off and they become immune to things they were once allergic to. Others say that their allergies to things have gotten worse. I was about 3 when I encountered my first bee sting. I don't remember it really, but my mom says that my foot swelled up a little but I seemed to be fine. The last time I got stung, I was about 14 and my entire arm swelled up like a balloon and there was so much fluid in it I had to go to the doctor and receive a series needle pokes for Benadryl and draining. So I dare to say, I feel as though that particular allergy is getting worse over time.

Enter my fear of bees. I know that most of the time, if you don't bother them, they don't bother you. But, due to my past encounters of bees while minding my own business, I tend to forget about that rule and just try to avoid them at all costs. I guess you could say I have a slight fear of bees, mostly of the fact that if stung by one, I could face grave consequences and end up in an ER or have to shoot myself with an EpiPen. No thanks. I don't know that 100% for sure, but those are the thoughts that enter my mind when thinking of what could happen to me if stung by a bee.

Life has a lot of unknowns. Sometimes, it is the fear of the unknown that can cause us the most anxiety in our lives. I can relate the above situation to many circumstances in my life, both present and past, that have caused unnecessary angst in my life. I can also see how giving these circumstances up to the One who has control over all things has allowed me to have a peace and freedom that those who have also felt that peace which passes all understanding can relate to.

Four years ago on August 5th, I experienced a loss that I had not yet encountered in my life. At that time, I watched the person that I had spent the last year of my life with whither away and pass right before my eyes. I had never known grief like that before. I had known OF the Dark Place that people talk about, but I had not experienced the feelings associated with being in the Dark Place until that point. Losing someone you love, watching someone you know in a deep and emotionally intimate way pass from this life and enter into eternity, stings much more than a bee. It cuts you like a knife deep down to your core and exposes everything you never wanted anyone to see about you. It causes you to realize that all the things you thought you have control of, you never really did, and the things you wish you had back, you will never have again. It causes you to see pain and sorrow and grief in a totally different way. I became much more exposed to the loss of others, and felt deep emotional pain for them. I have read stories and listened to situations of others around me who have lost the one they love, people I have never even met, and it has driven me to tears for that person. There is a glimpse of that loss that I can relate to, and I know that feeling of complete emptiness after seeing death head on.

And then comes the fear. When you lose someone, no matter how good of a job you feel you have done at allowing yourself to grieve, praying to God that he would restore your wounds and feeling like you have somewhat come back to a place of real life, there is a lingering fear in the depth of your heart that stirs you like a wild wind. It makes you lose sleep at night, and most of all, it makes you build up a wall that China has nothing on.

At first, I thought that being alone was what God had planned for me, and that He would calm my thoughts and make me ok with being single for the rest of my life. Lots of people do it, and being married doesn't define who you are, I knew that. But deep down, I had to get real with my head that part of this facade that I was putting on was in fact of a ploy against myself, to set myself up so that I could not get hurt by losing someone else again. I distanced my relationships, so that a. either I couldn't get hurt or b. if I did lose them it wouldn't hurt as bad because I wasn't 100% in the game, so to speak. I quickly started to realize through a long devotional for about 6 months that this was not how God intended for me to live my life, and desired for me to allow Him to make a change in my heart so that I could fully love someone again.

Choice and free will are still somewhat mysterious to me. Had I not made the choice to start a new path to healing, I know my life would be different. But how, I will never know. But God gave us a choice, even though He already knows what we are going to choose, and continues to lay things out in our paths according to the choices we make. That's the part that blows my mind sometimes. I don't deserve the mercy, grace and blessings that God pours out on me even for the seemingly "good" choices I make in my life, and yet, He continues to lay them out in front of me anyway. I could have made a choice to allow fear to keep me from knowing what it means to love a person like you have never loved before. To miss a person when they are only 5 minutes away, and to wake up knowing that you have someone there who loves you even when you don't say the nicest things to them or when you don't exactly look like you won a beauty contest. When you lose someone, and you make the choice to love again, you gain so much more than a partner for life. And, you learn to cherish the smallest things you experience in your every day life because you know that those are the things that mean the most when you are with the person God has blessed you with to be able to love as long as you are on this earth, or as long as they are with you. I may have lost a friend 4 years ago, but by allowing God to heal the wounds of my heart and teach me what it means let go of the fears I had of losing someone and just loving as best as I possibly can as a human being, I gained a husband that I am more in love with than anyone I have ever known in my life.

That's what I got for facing my fear, here's to praying you are learning how to face yours.

A little ladybug's birthday

There are so many things in life that you will only get to experience once. Turning one, for example, is an event that parents will get to celebrate once with each of their children as individuals. I am so blessed and so happy to have been able to share in that celebration with my best friend, Amy, and her adorable little family. They really are like family to me too, her house was a safe haven in many ways in high school when my family was going through some pretty tough times, and they have always treated me like their own.

Amy and I have been best friends for 15 years, and I can honestly say that we have seen the best times of each other's lives, and also some of the toughest and most devastating times.

Recently some events in Amy's life left her feeling very overwhelmed, and as a best friend sometimes being there really is the best thing you can do for the person you have shared most of your life with thus far as a friend. I couldn't turn down the opportunity, with the help of some very giving family members, to visit and be a part of a very special birthday for miss Madison Rose Pepper. She is Amy and John's first little bundle of joy, and she is nothing less than a sparkle right down deep in the core of everyone's eye. How could you not love a little ladybug as precious and full of life as her? That's how I feel about her anyway, and she isn't even my own.

Amy has always been the type of lady that when she puts together a celebration, she knows how to bring the spread and has just the right touch for all the decorations that make it look so special and so welcoming. Madison's little ladybug birthday party was just that, as special as the guest of honor herself.

It has been a trying couple of months for Amy, John, her dad and the rest of their family involved in the process of praying and supporting two of the strongest men in their family to my knowledge. At about the same time, both John and Amy's dad found out that they had early stages of two very different kinds of cancer. We both spent time talking about the unknown, and sometimes just how downright scary it can be, trust me I said, I know. Having lost someone to cancer in the past, I know that exact feeling. Where you want to be able to do something to change the outcome so that it is how you want it to be, but in the end you just know that here is only One person in control of every situation, yet He hears the prayers of everyone who calls on His name for help and comfort.

And to Amy's relief, and all the rest of her family, both John and her dad Randy are cancer free at this point.

God IS good, all the time. Even if the outcome would have been different, He is still God and I know He still loves us. But we are especially grateful for this outcome, and we were able to all share together in relief with joy and thanksgiving the little precious life that Amy and John have been given in Madison. Here are just a couple of my favorites of her from the weekend.

She got a bouncing/rocking horse, probably her favorite gift, from John's brother Chad. Loving that look on her face as she rides away.

Tonight....

That's the name of Cheatwood's first official Album, which we got today.

We weren't expecting to get the shipment of our first 200 CD's until a week or more from now.

Chas was pleasantly surprised when the UPS man pulled up in front of our house this afternoon just as he was getting ready to leave for work with a package. A package for Cheatwood.

Having a finished product and something to show for all the time and effort you have put into something feels, well, really good. Do I expect everyone to like it? Absolutely not. Do I think we are even remotely famous? NO. I work for the state of Utah for heaven's sake. Pffft.

I am just so so so happy and thrilled beyond words to be able to share in the making of something that Chas and love doing together, making music. We have an incredible band of people and I have absolutely loved being able to sing along side my good lady friend, Kelli Jensen. It has caused growth, change and challenge for me to continue to move forward with doing things that push me to my limits of thinking that I can't do things, only for God to prove me wrong.

If you want to check it out, we would love the feedback. Chas is totally the type of person who loves to hear what people love and hate about things, so bring it on, we can take it.

Interested in buying, check out the purchasing option now available on our website, www.cheatwoodmusic.com

Just want to ear shop? You can also listen to a clip of each song on iTunes.

Either way, we hope you enjoy Tonight.

On God's green earth

I am so excited to post an update on our little growing garden! Things are sprouting and popping up out of nowhere, especially since we have been having so much rain, tomatoes and onions love water! Chas and I were a bit skeptical, we admit, when planting our garden only because it was our first time trying it out and we just weren't sure if anything was really going to grow. But, so far this little box of dirt and goodness has exceeded our expectations, and we feel so blessed to be able to grow our own garden in the beauty of God's green earth.

Here's a little peek at how nicely the plants are growing so far....


Our strawberries are growing, but we are going to have to put something around them to keep the birds off the middle of those sweet, tasty little things. They peck out the innards and leave us with the top and bottom of the fruit, not nice!


Chas is VERY excited that our jalapeno plant is growing our first ever little green pepper. He likes the hot stuff, I will stick to the strawberries and tomatoes.


Speaking of tomatoes, check these little bad boys out! We have two little 'maters growing so far, can't wait to sink my teeth into one of these juicy boys when they are good and ripe.

The tops of our potato plants are pretty huge, about up to my knee......let's just hope there are some nice potatoes growing under that soil...it will be fun to dig these ones up and get nice and dirty in the fall!

And there you have it! We can't wait to show you more pictures later as our little garden continues to grow :)

In a month's time

Hello friends! (and people to happen to stumble upon these ramblings)

It's been exactly a month since my last blog post, so you know what that means....time for an update!

I can't say I haven't posted for a while because I was too busy, but also not because I didn't have anything to write about. Lots has been happening and will be happening this up and coming summer, including some very exciting and fun shows that Cheatwood will be performing for, so cool! Let's just hope this rainy weather clears up since a lot of the shows coming up will be outdoors.

Here is a listed update of some of recent happenings and things to come (gotta love the lists people :)

- Chas decided to recruit me to sing harmonies with Cheatwood a couple of months ago, so now whenever they gig, I gig. So that means more shows this summer. We will be heading up to Idaho Falls this coming weekend for a show with just the trio (Chas, Kelli J. and me). Next up will be the Ogden Arts Festival, a few weddings, some Sunday gigs on the patio at Wolf Creek Clubhouse, and some other smaller shows including at Huntsville BBQ and Savannah BBQ. One of the ones that we are all especially looking forward to is opening for a pretty big show put on by a lady named Anna Wilson. She travels with a full band, including a horn section and the works, and it will also include the sax player from the Dave Matthews Band......so essentially wheat this means is, there is a chance that Cheatwood would get to do a couple of songs with him, that would be amazing. We are still working out the details, but that concert is set for July 23rd. We will also be playing our usual at the Antelope Island Balloon and Kite Stampede over Labor Day weekend. Definitely a full summer of shows lined up for us, which is awesome!

-Our lovely garden, which is a first for both of us and something that we have loved putting together with each other, is growing! However, the massive amounts of rain we have been getting so far this year have limited the tomato plants from growing as much as we would like them to. But not to despair, we still have some starters we kept in the jiffy that are still growing nicely, so we may be able to transplant those in exchange of the ones that sadly have taken a beating with the hail and sleet storms we have had. Our potato plants recently just sprouted out of nowhere and are now 5-6 inches high out of the ground. I can't wait to see if the bean and cucumber plants will sprout!

-I recently have been seeking out a few possible changes in my career. I have loved my job working with youth at the state, and I will be sad to tears when the time comes for me to leave my job, but I have also felt a slight tugging from God to explore other options now that I can put my masters into full use. This is kind of a works in progress, so I will have to update you on some of this later.

- Serving as a worship leader at the Bountiful Heights campus has been such a blessing and a learning experience. Chas and I continue to head down once every two weeks to lead a team, and I will be honest in saying that every week brings a new challenge to face. Recently some of the leaders have made the decision to step down, either due to moving on to other things or feeling the need to help elsewhere, so that has created much change in the direction of the teams and who plays for what team on what weeks. God has really blessed us with willing people who volunteer their time to serve and use their talents to create music that glorifies God every Sunday. Some of the people on our team change, so that brings a challenge. Some are beginning music players, and some can be very timid. But no matter what, I know that this is an opportunity to work along side others and see in what ways God is using these situations to teach me things as well. We are also just excited to see the outreach having a church in the heart of Bountiful is creating for the community.

-Chas and I got to spend some fun quality time with my family last weekend while my dad was here with his wife. My twin cousins graduated high school, which is so crazy to me considering that when I moved here, they were 7 (almost 8). They are two very bright, beautiful and mature young women, and I was happy to be able to be there to support and cheer them on in finishing this chapter of their life. We have had some really good talks together about their upcoming plans, and I am so excited for them to see what is in store for them.

Those are just a few of the happenings, there are a lot more things going on, but I feel that this post is getting long enough, so I will end here.
Maybe I will wait another month to post, that way I have more to blog about :)