A monthly to-do

I didn't intend for it to take me a month to post about the current happenings with the Burks couple, but for some reason it just worked out that way.

Maybe it was because of my frequent lack of desire lately to continue a blog. I guess I feel like I use other ways on a daily basis to get updates and update others who care to read my FB status on what's going on in life. Therefore, this feeling leads me away from the blog and to other things.

But one thing I have been spending time on and a topic I have been thinking a lot about recently is from a study I have been doing on Esther. The topic of restraint.

During the time that Esther was being prepared to meet the king who would decide if he liked her enough to make her queen, she never took more or asked or expected more than what was suggested of her. She presented herself in such a way that showed more of who she was and the beauty she already possessed without tons of fancy gold jewelry, fake lips and a skin tight dress.

She was the Esther that God had beautifully and wonderfully created her to be. And it was that genuine real-ness that no doubt and more than likely led the kind to "love her so much that he crowned her queen over Vashti".

There is a lot of fake in this world. It is easy for people, women in particular, to get caught up in the who and what and how much and what does it look like on me of appearance and social gossip. It is easy to find a way to blend in and feel accepted, just like everyone else is doing.

I don't think it is wrong to want to be accepted, there is a level of healthiness in wanting to feel comfortable around the people that you like and are friends with. But for me, I don't want to feel I am compromising who I am to short myself of being the person that God has so uniquely and purposefully created me to be. In a place where it is so easy to act like you are just like everyone else, I sense that my heart is striving to find a way to stand out and sh0w those around me that I AM different. But it can be a complicated tight walk to show enough level of restraint to say how you feel and what you believe, and do it in such a way that is not making others feel you are comparing yourself against them. Or that they are wrong and you are right. It's not about that. Beth Moore asked the question at a conference I went to recently, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to have a relationship?" That was a powerful question for me as I seek to find a way to witness to those around me who I feel have been caught up in a way of life that I cannot pretend is the same as what I have grown to believe.

And so as I continue this journey of learning what it means to show Godly restraint, in many aspects of my life, I am finding that He is showing me other awesome things in His word along the way.

You are the best thing

One year ago today, I married my best friend.

Telling someone they are your best friend doesn't always mean that you agree on everything, handle everything they tell you with grace, or that you always get along when you come home and are just, well, in a bad mood. Best friends are there for each other when you need someone to talk to. They are the person who will tell you the truth in love, because they know that even if it means you will endure a little pain, knowing the truth will help set you on a path to forgiveness and freedom. A best friend laughs with you, and sometimes at you even you think you are cool and not just acting like a fool. A best friend seeks to know what is happening in your life, what your dreams and fears are, helps you achieve those dreams and encourages you to do you best at those dreams, and prays away the enemy when fears become a present reality. A best friend will stay up as late as you need them to, to ensure that after crying for hours, you really will be ok.

And when you are married to your best friend, you even get to wake up next to them every morning, and you know, cuddle and stuff. There is a level of intimacy that cannot be explained outside of a God breathed, blessed marriage that I have been so mercifully able to experience being married to Chas. There has been growth, love, challenge, forgiveness, joy, and happiness throughout this first year of our marriage, and I am praying for at least 70 more years with this man by my side.

Happy 1st anniversary, Mr. Burks.

Facing it

Out of all the times I have been stung by a bee (4), it was never because I did something to make it mad or because I even knew it was near me and was swinging my arms trying to get it away from me. I was minding my own business when...bam!, there it was.

People talk about how as they get older, some allergies tend to die off and they become immune to things they were once allergic to. Others say that their allergies to things have gotten worse. I was about 3 when I encountered my first bee sting. I don't remember it really, but my mom says that my foot swelled up a little but I seemed to be fine. The last time I got stung, I was about 14 and my entire arm swelled up like a balloon and there was so much fluid in it I had to go to the doctor and receive a series needle pokes for Benadryl and draining. So I dare to say, I feel as though that particular allergy is getting worse over time.

Enter my fear of bees. I know that most of the time, if you don't bother them, they don't bother you. But, due to my past encounters of bees while minding my own business, I tend to forget about that rule and just try to avoid them at all costs. I guess you could say I have a slight fear of bees, mostly of the fact that if stung by one, I could face grave consequences and end up in an ER or have to shoot myself with an EpiPen. No thanks. I don't know that 100% for sure, but those are the thoughts that enter my mind when thinking of what could happen to me if stung by a bee.

Life has a lot of unknowns. Sometimes, it is the fear of the unknown that can cause us the most anxiety in our lives. I can relate the above situation to many circumstances in my life, both present and past, that have caused unnecessary angst in my life. I can also see how giving these circumstances up to the One who has control over all things has allowed me to have a peace and freedom that those who have also felt that peace which passes all understanding can relate to.

Four years ago on August 5th, I experienced a loss that I had not yet encountered in my life. At that time, I watched the person that I had spent the last year of my life with whither away and pass right before my eyes. I had never known grief like that before. I had known OF the Dark Place that people talk about, but I had not experienced the feelings associated with being in the Dark Place until that point. Losing someone you love, watching someone you know in a deep and emotionally intimate way pass from this life and enter into eternity, stings much more than a bee. It cuts you like a knife deep down to your core and exposes everything you never wanted anyone to see about you. It causes you to realize that all the things you thought you have control of, you never really did, and the things you wish you had back, you will never have again. It causes you to see pain and sorrow and grief in a totally different way. I became much more exposed to the loss of others, and felt deep emotional pain for them. I have read stories and listened to situations of others around me who have lost the one they love, people I have never even met, and it has driven me to tears for that person. There is a glimpse of that loss that I can relate to, and I know that feeling of complete emptiness after seeing death head on.

And then comes the fear. When you lose someone, no matter how good of a job you feel you have done at allowing yourself to grieve, praying to God that he would restore your wounds and feeling like you have somewhat come back to a place of real life, there is a lingering fear in the depth of your heart that stirs you like a wild wind. It makes you lose sleep at night, and most of all, it makes you build up a wall that China has nothing on.

At first, I thought that being alone was what God had planned for me, and that He would calm my thoughts and make me ok with being single for the rest of my life. Lots of people do it, and being married doesn't define who you are, I knew that. But deep down, I had to get real with my head that part of this facade that I was putting on was in fact of a ploy against myself, to set myself up so that I could not get hurt by losing someone else again. I distanced my relationships, so that a. either I couldn't get hurt or b. if I did lose them it wouldn't hurt as bad because I wasn't 100% in the game, so to speak. I quickly started to realize through a long devotional for about 6 months that this was not how God intended for me to live my life, and desired for me to allow Him to make a change in my heart so that I could fully love someone again.

Choice and free will are still somewhat mysterious to me. Had I not made the choice to start a new path to healing, I know my life would be different. But how, I will never know. But God gave us a choice, even though He already knows what we are going to choose, and continues to lay things out in our paths according to the choices we make. That's the part that blows my mind sometimes. I don't deserve the mercy, grace and blessings that God pours out on me even for the seemingly "good" choices I make in my life, and yet, He continues to lay them out in front of me anyway. I could have made a choice to allow fear to keep me from knowing what it means to love a person like you have never loved before. To miss a person when they are only 5 minutes away, and to wake up knowing that you have someone there who loves you even when you don't say the nicest things to them or when you don't exactly look like you won a beauty contest. When you lose someone, and you make the choice to love again, you gain so much more than a partner for life. And, you learn to cherish the smallest things you experience in your every day life because you know that those are the things that mean the most when you are with the person God has blessed you with to be able to love as long as you are on this earth, or as long as they are with you. I may have lost a friend 4 years ago, but by allowing God to heal the wounds of my heart and teach me what it means let go of the fears I had of losing someone and just loving as best as I possibly can as a human being, I gained a husband that I am more in love with than anyone I have ever known in my life.

That's what I got for facing my fear, here's to praying you are learning how to face yours.

A little ladybug's birthday

There are so many things in life that you will only get to experience once. Turning one, for example, is an event that parents will get to celebrate once with each of their children as individuals. I am so blessed and so happy to have been able to share in that celebration with my best friend, Amy, and her adorable little family. They really are like family to me too, her house was a safe haven in many ways in high school when my family was going through some pretty tough times, and they have always treated me like their own.

Amy and I have been best friends for 15 years, and I can honestly say that we have seen the best times of each other's lives, and also some of the toughest and most devastating times.

Recently some events in Amy's life left her feeling very overwhelmed, and as a best friend sometimes being there really is the best thing you can do for the person you have shared most of your life with thus far as a friend. I couldn't turn down the opportunity, with the help of some very giving family members, to visit and be a part of a very special birthday for miss Madison Rose Pepper. She is Amy and John's first little bundle of joy, and she is nothing less than a sparkle right down deep in the core of everyone's eye. How could you not love a little ladybug as precious and full of life as her? That's how I feel about her anyway, and she isn't even my own.

Amy has always been the type of lady that when she puts together a celebration, she knows how to bring the spread and has just the right touch for all the decorations that make it look so special and so welcoming. Madison's little ladybug birthday party was just that, as special as the guest of honor herself.

It has been a trying couple of months for Amy, John, her dad and the rest of their family involved in the process of praying and supporting two of the strongest men in their family to my knowledge. At about the same time, both John and Amy's dad found out that they had early stages of two very different kinds of cancer. We both spent time talking about the unknown, and sometimes just how downright scary it can be, trust me I said, I know. Having lost someone to cancer in the past, I know that exact feeling. Where you want to be able to do something to change the outcome so that it is how you want it to be, but in the end you just know that here is only One person in control of every situation, yet He hears the prayers of everyone who calls on His name for help and comfort.

And to Amy's relief, and all the rest of her family, both John and her dad Randy are cancer free at this point.

God IS good, all the time. Even if the outcome would have been different, He is still God and I know He still loves us. But we are especially grateful for this outcome, and we were able to all share together in relief with joy and thanksgiving the little precious life that Amy and John have been given in Madison. Here are just a couple of my favorites of her from the weekend.

She got a bouncing/rocking horse, probably her favorite gift, from John's brother Chad. Loving that look on her face as she rides away.

Tonight....

That's the name of Cheatwood's first official Album, which we got today.

We weren't expecting to get the shipment of our first 200 CD's until a week or more from now.

Chas was pleasantly surprised when the UPS man pulled up in front of our house this afternoon just as he was getting ready to leave for work with a package. A package for Cheatwood.

Having a finished product and something to show for all the time and effort you have put into something feels, well, really good. Do I expect everyone to like it? Absolutely not. Do I think we are even remotely famous? NO. I work for the state of Utah for heaven's sake. Pffft.

I am just so so so happy and thrilled beyond words to be able to share in the making of something that Chas and love doing together, making music. We have an incredible band of people and I have absolutely loved being able to sing along side my good lady friend, Kelli Jensen. It has caused growth, change and challenge for me to continue to move forward with doing things that push me to my limits of thinking that I can't do things, only for God to prove me wrong.

If you want to check it out, we would love the feedback. Chas is totally the type of person who loves to hear what people love and hate about things, so bring it on, we can take it.

Interested in buying, check out the purchasing option now available on our website, www.cheatwoodmusic.com

Just want to ear shop? You can also listen to a clip of each song on iTunes.

Either way, we hope you enjoy Tonight.